Books

Many of you may wonder what I have been doing for the last three months...many of you may not. Well, birthdays, holidays, work, ear infections (leading to a gross eye infection), new nanny, taxes, an anniversary, and books.

Here's the thing about books, they are my friends. They are NEVER selfish, they almost always give me what I need; whether that need is balm for a frustrated soul, answers to pressing questions, or a lovely little "check out" from the world. No matter my age or place in life, books have always been a constant. Twenty and completely lost, books are there. Thirty and facing a world of ups and downs, books give me solace. Almost forty and completely insane, books step up and say "I can help".

As I write this, I realize some frustration I've been carrying around. Lately, there has been a rather large volume of self-centered people in my life. People who I once counted as friends have shown true colors and it's been a painful journey. I'm positive they have no idea who they are, nor do they take the time to read this blog so they will never know; my question is this, do you come to a point in life where it's not worth it to talk to someone about an action they took that hurt you? I have always lived by the value that talking things out maintains strong relationships, and that ALL relationships are worth saving. But now I'm instead wondering if there are some friendships that should just be allowed to pass. It's a conundrum.

Also, I tend toward the self centered, so am I not cutting enough slack? Maybe I should look at the situation as more of a growth experience. People grow and develop and change, maybe this is part of the process and I need to just let it go. Stop being so darn SENSITIVE. Ugh, maybe I'll just go read.

Birthday # 2

Our sweet Munch turned two last Friday, and the weekend was filled with fun, family and love!!! Corrin is growing into such a little lady! She loves to play with baby dolls, color, be outside (even in the cold and snow - I wonder where she gets that) and snuggle with Mommie & Daddy. She has a stubborn streak, and knows her mind. She's a little shy around other kids, but after a while comes out of her shell and is a giggling mess. Corrin brings us joy each and every day, and we are so very thankful for her!!! Happy Birthday to my little lady. WE LOVE YOU!!!!

Happy Birthday Connie!!!

Better late than never! Happy, Happy Birthday to an amazing woman with a capacity to love bigger than anyone I know and the patience of a saint (I should know, I tried it for many, many years). I am blessed to be able to call you Mom, and thankful for you each and every day!

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!!

Happy birthday to a truly incredible man. This entire family is so very lucky you were born, and were brought into our lives. I forever question where I would be without you and your influence. Your relationship with us all has taught me to be a parent, your relationship with Connie has taught me how to love. I have a litany of quotes from you that run through my head no fewer that ten times a day which all help me make better decisions and also admit my mistakes. I love you, and wish that I could share this day with you. Happy Birthday!!

Change

We all know I don't handle change well, it's just not my thing. Which is interesting given the number of times I've moved and created my own life upheaval. Change is inevitable, change is mostly good, and change seems to be the order of business these days.

After eighteen months we are losing the family that we nanny share with. They are moving to Hawaii for a temporary project. Corrin's BFF Grae will not be around anymore to teach her all of the fun things she does. Grae is super smart and super outgoing, she does not have the same shy character that Corrin has, and so pushes Corrin to try new and different things that she might not otherwise do. They sit and giggle with each other and play and sometimes push...they are the sister neither of them has :) We were so thankful that our nanny Jo would still be with us, she is so fantastic with the girls and we truly credit much of Corrin's development over these last few months to her.

So the search for a new family to share with began...then Jo told us her husband was offered a fantastic position in another state. In this economy, you take what you can get. We are very excited for them, and know he has been looking for a long time. Our little bubble popped. What now, Montessori School? New family and nanny? Lots of changes for our little girl.

A great person once said "nothing is constant but change". Hopefully Corrin will bear this change better than her Mama is.

TEAM RIVER!!!!

My best friend's baby was born premature, and as the weeks go on, we are learning that he has as yet un-diagnosed neurolgical issues. All we do know is they the issues are there. His name is River, he is beautiful and has a fantastic smile. His mother is a wonderful, caring, giving, observant, honest human being whom I admire beyond words.

The gift of a child is a blessing beyond words. The love that a parent feels for their child is like nothing they have ever experienced and cannot be described to others. The dreams we have for them, the hopes and visions for their life, carry very close to our hearts. When something like this happens, there is an astronomical shift in that vision and is something that we mourn. Having witnessed severe illness and conditions in our nieces and nephews, as well as the power of prayer and the joys of recovery, I see the effect these things have on a parent. I am positive that my best friend and her husband will weather this like the incredible human beings they are.

Now, I ask those that read this for your prayers. Prayers for my best friend, for her husband, for their beautiful baby boy, River. If praying is not your "thing" then please, send positive thoughts, positive energey, some good Karma, or whatever else you can think of to them. They will find their way.

39? Really??

The whole "getting older" thing is really throwing me off this year. I turned 39 a few weeks ago and it's really thrown me for a loop; I mean, I'm not just kissing 40, we're rolling around on the floor with our clothes almost completely off.

Part of the issue, I believe, is that the majority of my friends and my husband are anywhere between 5 and 10 years younger than me. What a strange circumstance to realize that you are not in your early thirties...or twenties by the way I act sometimes.

My reasoning...I lost ten years of my life in a blur of insanity and now I am just catching up to my "mind age". In my mind, and because of past circumstances, I really should only be 29, which means I get to do my thirties over!!! And because I really did not lose ten years, I know my 30's have been the best years of my life so far and I will get to enjoy them again!!!! Ahhh...if only I were a Hollywood writer, this would be a good film. If I see this idea later you'll find me on TMZ suing whoever stole it :)

Alas, while not mentally, chronically and physically I am 39 years old. My knees creak, I have to watch what I eat and drink, gone are the days when I could play kickball on a Thursday night until 10:00, engage in a rousing flip-cup tournament until 2:00am and sit alert and aware at my desk the next morning without the slightest hint of a hangover.

The good news is that certain traditions live on, the Last Birthday Bash was alive and well this year and MUCH fun. Times have changed; we stayed in a cabin instead of tents, there were six of us rather than twenty-six, I was in bed by 11:00 both nights and missed Corrin each and every second. Our best friends' lives have changed too and for the first time in my life I enjoyed a fully vegan supper thanks to the Webbs. Next year is a big one...I'm hoping for a trip to Ireland (it's my dream), but will happily spend another weekend in my favirote Colorado town with my husband, daughter and best friends.

I guess making out with 40 is not really all that bad. I'll enjoy the last eleven months of my thirties and then do what I have always done best...dive into my forties like there is no tomorrow.

Seven Months Later...

Sorry yet again for the gap in posting. I have no excuse; turns out my life is basically boring and so I have nothing to share. Colin is still doing great at work, Corrin is 18 months old...18 MONTHS!!! She is walking everywhere, talking up a storm and doing extremely well. She's a little too smart for me.

My best friend Kitty had a baby yesterday!!!! He is so beautiful and while I have not gotten to meet him yet the photo she sent is awesome. I cant wait to hold him!

Work is still good, I really do love my job and the office I work at and am thankful every day to be here.

I think the one and only horrible thing right now is that my sister Katie and her family are moving out of state. She has a wonderful husband and four absolutely beautiful children and we get to see them about once a month and now that is all going to change. It is impossible to think if because while I have always lived somewhere else, Katie has always been here. For nine years we have lived a charmed little life here with our parents and all four sisters within twenty minutes of each other. It has been a gift I will cherish forever and one I am not willing to give up.

My heart hurts for Katie, who has never lived more than an hour from Connie. Who has a home here and church and friends and her sisters that all are going to feel far away. She is truly starting anew with her family and I admire her courage and her commitment to make it work and be a good thing. Her grace is awe inspiring and even on the days where she is not 100% into it, she puts on a brave face.

I have made major moves no fewer than seven times since I was sixteen years old, my current move back to Colorado is the longest I have stayed on one place since birth; the house I live in right now is the longest I have resided at one address in equally as long. As an old pro I know the trials and tribulations of learning a new place, town, state, culture...it takes a year to get your bearings and build new friendships. Once that part is done, the rest is a little easier, but for Katie it's 12 months of nursing not only her own heart but also those of her husband and children too. I am positive she can do, I am positive that this is exactly what God has planned for her and their family, absolutely positive of that...but my heart is still breaking.

Katie is amazing and I will miss her (and hopefully get to visit her) often.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

To my dear, sweet Corrin...

You bring me joy every single day. Thank you for coming into our lives. Even at just one year you have an awesome, strong personality. You are calm and goofy, but you know what you want and have your Mommy's stubborn streak...you have already learned that cute always wins and you work it. I am consistently amazed by how smart you are, and know that the second I see you every other worry in the world will be gone. I love you sweet girl, and look forward to all of your birthdays to come.

Hmmm...I'm just slow

Corrin, work, weekends, Corrin, family, work....all excuses. I guess it turns out I will NEVER be supermom that can work, be a mommy and maintain my blog. Sorry folks. My new job (ok, not so new really) is amazing. I love it here and feel like I have found my place in the private practice world. Corrin is thriving! She's beautiful and goofy and doing really well...and still waking up in the middle of the night but we're working on that :). Colin is doing really well at work and truly excelling in his position. I'm so proud of him.

Last Sunday we baptised Corrin in the church we were married in, the Reverend who married us performed a portion of the ceremony and it was really wonderful. We have grown to love our church over the last few years, and both are very happy that Corrin will get to grow up in that community, and with the support of our congregation. Baptisms are done during regular services, and so the whole church family is there to promise to help guide the children through their life; it is truly beautiful and moving to know all of those people have pledged to be there for Corrin. She will have so much support and love through her life, from parents, to grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, and on and on. We are so incredibly blessed.

Colin's parents and sisters were able to come out for the ceremony, making it that much more special. I continue to be humbled by their support and love, the time they took out of their own busy lives and away from their families is very touching and I cannot be more thankful to have such wonderful in-laws.

Hopefully I will get some photos up here soon of the big occasion.

Five years ago today I met Colin in a bar...for those of you who don't know the story, it all began when one of the people at his table (which was next to mine) left and turned to say good-bye, accidentally clocking me in the back of the head with his elbow then took off without even saying sorry!! Colin, forever the gentleman, offered to buy me a drink as an apology for his friend. I promptly said no...Colin had the chutzpah to buy it for me anyway and I was VERY impressed. We spent the rest of the evening talking and I fell in love with him that night.

Here we are, five years, one engagement, one wedding and one daughter later and I still love him more every single day. He is brilliant, funny, kind, generous, and an amazing father. I am consistenly amazed by his capacity for patience (I'm a serious pain in the ass), and thrilled by how he always, always shows me how much he loves me.

My love - thank you for all that you have given me, thank you for showing me what a good and safe relationship can be, thank you for letting me be myself all the time, thank you for becoming a part of our family, thank you for our daughter. I love you so very much, and am excited for all of the years to come.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day my love! Thank you for being such an incredible Dad and partner during this amazing time in our lives. You truly give everything you are and everything you have for your daughter and your family and I am proud to call you my husband.

To my Daddy - thank you. You have given me the world, you have shown four daughters what a man is and should be, you have taught us what it is to be a parent and how to treat those around us. I love you!

Six Months

Six months ago we brought Corrin home from the hospital. She was 8.5 lbs and 21 inches long. She slept all the time, smiled a little and made pretty good eye contact. She was amazing and my favorite part of every day.

Six months later she is thriving! She weighs 17.14 lbs and is 28 inches long!!! She's almost as tall as Colin and me!! She sits up on her own, plays with toys and babbles all the time. We're convinced we have heard her say "Daddy." Not to anyone in particular mind you, but she said it nonetheless. It's amazing to me how much she has changed and continues to change every day. She is so alert, she always has been, she is silly and playful. She has a gentle, sweet disposition with a smile that lights up her whole face.

Corrin loves to watch Ruth, and sits in her exersaucer regularly following Ruthie around with her eyes. She loves books and helps turn the pages!!!

I realize I am not the first woman, or even the first of my sisters to have a child, but all of this stuff is totally new to me and so much fun! I have no idea what I ever did without her. Sure, I was more able to just take off and do things but she more than makes up for it. She's funny and cute and it is incredible to watch her grow.

Random Updates

This is the reason that I both love and hate Facebook...the absolute ability to stalk people. I am "friends" with the son of my old best friend Tiff and through his page, I found hers. Yup, Tiff is on Facebook. She looks incredible and has been pretty active. She is "friends" with a number of people that I am "friends" with too. Ugh.

Blogging...I have found that I am not very good at updating this little endeavour. For the three people that read this, here's the rundown

(1) I have a new job! Woo Hoo!!! I fit in here and am respected. It's awesome. Before I left my old job my boos informed me that while she respects me as an attorney she did not value me as an employee. Yeah, now you see why I left;

(2) Corrin is five months and a half months old, weighs 16.4lbs and is the definition of awesome. That said I still have some serious adjusting to do. I have been responsible for only me for a very long time, and having a child changes that drastically. I know that this is sort of a "well DUH" comment, but you never really know something until you live it.

(3) The house fell through and we are not looking for a while. I'm tired of the whole thing. One year, two failed contracts and a lot of money out of our pocket is a sign to me that now is not the time for us to buy a house.

(4) I'm speaking at the American Immigration Lawyers Association (AILA) Annual Conference this year. There are over 11,000 members of this organization and so to be invited to speak is a huge honor. I'm terrified.

(5) I still miss Tiff and am wondering if there is any way for me to mend this relationship. On the flip-side of that, am I a glutton for punishment and just setting myself up for more hurt?

(6) Colin is still incredible and on June 9, 2010 will be turning 30!! I can imagine that this is not a big deal to many but since it is the first time since we met that we will share a decade it's pretty exciting.

Ok - I think that's it for the random updates to Random Thoughts. Hopefully this will come more regularly but considering my track record...no promises.

Awake

It's 2:22 am and I can't sleep. There is no particular reason why, I just can't. It's possible that it has something to do with the fact that I go back to work in a week and am pretty freaked out about it. It may be because I had a big dinner celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. It may be because it's warm in the house and I can't sleep like that. Who knows, all I know is I am up sitting on my blog when all normal people my age are fast asleep in bed. Oy.

The good news is the baby is sleeping well and cute as a button on her video monitor. She tends to wiggle a little at night and I love that I can see her squirming around in her little bed without bothering her at all :).

I'm sure tomorrow I will be miserable for this little bout with insomnia, and hopefully I can manage to get some good rest over the next week. Sweet dreams everyone!

Frustration

Yes...it's been months since I've posted but I have a good excuse. I have decided that one handed typing should be a resume bullet point and something that people are very impressed with.

Today's post is not going to be all sweetness and light. Being home with the baby has been amazing and she has taught me so much in the ten short weeks that she has been on this earth. The one and only dark shadow over this entire time has been my job. The first six weeks were wretched because me boss refused to leave me alone. Calling, e-mailing, asking me to attend weekly meetings, asking me to take on new cases while I am out, asking me ridiculous questions that she could easily figure out for herself and causing massive stress over money that I have earned and she is refusing to pay.

In two and a half weeks I have to go back to work. We cannot afford for me to stay home right now, as much as I would love to, and so three days a week I have to return to that torture chamber until I find another job. After seven and a half years of loyal service she has managed to lose all respect I had for her, and now I just hope to get out of there as soon as humanly possible. UGH!!!!

Corrin Dorothy Haggerty 12/02/2009

So this has been quite a week. Monday night I started having contractions and after about four hours we decided to head to the hospital to see if I was really in labor...no such luck. They sent me home at about 2:00 am with a pain pill and a sleeping pill and instructions to "get some rest." I thought that was pretty funny considering I was still having contractions! We went home and I did sleep a little, but was still contracting about once an hour.

Tuesday was restful as possible, we stayed home and tried to relax but it was very difficult. The baby was not moving, and we got really concerned and so made another trip to the hospital just to set me up on the monitors and make sure she was ok. As soon as we got there and got all hooked up she started kicking away like nothing was wrong. Ugh...7:00 pm and we are home again, exhausted and ready for bed already. Luckily our good friends Travis and Tracy had picked Ruth up and so we didn't have to worry about getting her exercise for the night, and decided to go to bed early.

At this point I am still contracting every hour, and have not had any hours of solid sleep since Sunday night. 3:00 am rolls around and I have a very strong contraction and decide to get up and take a bath, walk around the house, read and just try to relax. By 4:30 the contractions are coming more than four times an hour and by 5:30 am I was contracting about five to six times and decide to wake up Colin to start timing for me. We go along like this for six hours, me in pain, contractions getting stronger but never at regular time intervals. The doctors, books, internet, and everything else we have ever looked at says we have to wait until the contractions are at five minutes apart for an hour.

I decide in mid-contraction that I can't handle this anymore, and we call the doctor, who kindly says to come in. WOO HOO!!! We get to the Labor & Delivery triage and they check me out and HALLELUJIA - 4 centimeters!!! They are checking me in! I'm in LABOR!!!!! Wait...I'm in labor????? WHOA! They take me upstairs to the Labor & Delivery unit and we meet our team of medical professionals. Brad, the best anesthesiologist alive, Lea, the fantastic non-cheerleader nurse who reminds me of "Berta" from the T.V. show Two and a Half Men, and Dr. Kandal, my OB-Gyn.

Can I just say here that epidurals are miraculous. Six hours of labor at home that were supposed to be the easy ones and then another eleven at the hospital and the hospital ones were stronger and closer together and the hospital ones were not too bad at all (until I started feeling them and then Brad really took care of that). The problem was that while things were progressing, Corrin still was not dropping down to where she needed to be for me to deliver her. The doctors suggested we push for an hour to see what we can do. After an hour, nothing. She is still riding high and not wanting to go where she needs to for me to deliver.

This is where the doctor says medically, they do not think delivery the normal way is going to work, and recommend a caesarian section. This was a bummer to me, but I understood the risks to the baby and to me and this was the right way to go. We went into the room at 11:00 pm and by 11:55 Corrin Dorothy Haggerty was born and with us.

Colin, during all of this, was truly incredible. There with me every second, supporting me, helping me through contractions, supporting me when the doctors mentioned the dreaded “C” word, helping me feel like everything was going to be fine. He is amazing, and in the three days since she was born, he has proven every second that I could not ask for a better partner, and that he is an incredible husband and now, Daddy.

Words of Wisdom...

Recently I was e-mailing with a very good friend of mine lamenting about how I cannot prepare or practice for what it is going to be like with a new baby in the house...here is the advice she gave me:

"Of course you can prepare! Here's all you need to do to practice:

Eat pudding only with the opposite hand you usually rely on while holding a water balloon and swaying back and forth, cooing in between bites.

You already get up a zillion times/night to pee, so you're already prepping to replace those with feedings or to just check on her to verify she's doing all right.

Carry 7 different bags, containers, coats, water bottles, etc so every arm/hand/neck is filled, then, when you can't carry anything else, add in that water balloon and then set everything down to run back to the kitchen to get whatever 10 things you forgot.

Begin going to the store with a burp rag on your shoulder b/c there's a good chance you'll forget to remove it more than once.

Breastfeeding? Squeeze your nipples with a wrench every few hours for a few seconds then spray your chest with water to prep for those moments when you realize you've forgotten to place a liner in your bra.

There are lots more but this should give you a mini-boot camp. :-)

Oh, and find something you love more than anything in the world then imagine loving it a trillion times more every time you think, hear or look at it!"

Missing a Friend

Once, a very long time ago, I had a friend named Tiff. She is beautiful, absolutely hilarious, and I have known her since I was four. We have gone through some of the hardest times of our lives together, we have been there to share joys, sorrows, laughs and tears that are countless.

Over the years Tiff developed a drinking problem that became too much for me to handle and watch. As she slid into the depths of alcoholism we grew further apart and eventually, I had to cut off all communication with her. It was one of the most heart breaking moments of my life, and to this day I still feel some regret for it. That was February of 2008.

I am still close with her parents and little brother and hear that she is sober now, which fills me with a joy that is unimaginable. Unfortunately, our friendship has not mended. I call her and send texts on holidays and birthdays. When I told her I could not speak to her anymore I told her I will always love her, but refuse to support her in killing herself. I told her that I will be there for her the second she wants me when she is sober, that no matter what I support her and love her, just that I cannot watch her do what she was doing to herself and her children.

On days like today, when I am feeling nostalgic, and days away from having a baby I think a lot of Tiff, of how she has two beautiful children who are amazing little kids. How she will not be there when Corrin is born, and how I am crushed that our friendship did not endure. I miss her so much, and want so badly for her to be a part of this baby's life. My heart is forever with her, and I hope that she is happy now.

One week?????

How is it possible that my due date is just a week away? Seriously? I mean, here I am tripping along and the next thing I know I have a baby coming in a week (two weeks at the most). A baby...a human being! That little thing that's been punching my bladder for the last 39 weeks is going to finally be here among us. A new soul for the family, new experiences, new joy, new fears, new emotions that I have no idea I even am capable of yet.

My entire life I have been a runner (not an athletic runner - a mental runner). I tend to get bored with a place easily and have never lived longer than four yers in one location until now (seven years, it's a record). I always told myself it was because being in new places with new faces and new challenges was what life was all about. Travel...experience...feel something new and exciting. The reality is it is easier to move somewhere else when life is not great than to stay and figure out why and fix it. Don't get me wrong, I am forever thankful for the experiences I have had, and the places I have lived, and the lifelong friends I have been blessed to make along the way.

But, for the first time in my life I feel that living in one place for such a long time, putting down roots and watching them grow, sharing the joys and tragedies of family and friends is possibly the greatest blessing imaginable. Staying put for once has given me an incredible husband, a true partner who loves and respects me as much as I do him; a family that is not only close, but great friends who support all of the decisions and mistakes I make; and finally, a group of friends who are so incredible, so supporting, so loving that I did not think this type of closeness was possible until I met them.

To all of these people, thank you. To those friends who are not in the same state anymore - thank you for your support and love from afar, you have been amazing too and I wish you were here still. Corrin is blessed to be born into this support, and we are so excited for you all to meet her.